Back from (Pen) Paralysis

About sixteen months ago, in late October 2016, I stopped blogging. I can’t remember if there was a specific incident or cause, but something had triggered my decision to take a pause. What I do remember was that, leading up to that decision, I had started to question why I was blogging.

Am I blogging only for myself?

Is anyone reading what I am writing?

Am I doing any good to the world by writing about my thoughts, my experiences, and my beliefs?

Why should I continue putting my own thoughts, experiences and beliefs out there?

I decided to take a pause from writing. I couldn’t bring myself to write, edit, then hit “Publish” when I no longer knew what it was all for. I figured that after some time, perhaps in a few weeks or months, I would be back here.

As weeks and months went by, as I went about my business of being a wife and mother, a homeschooling parent, an expat for the second time but without a helper for the first time, my pause became paralysis. The longer I stayed away from my computer keyboard, the louder the questions became, the heavier the self-doubt felt. The writer in me was paralyzed.

In April 2017, six months after I stopped blogging, I received a small but powerful reminder. A friend from Canada came to Singapore for a visit. I had a greeting card to give her and before leaving the house, I decided to bring my orange pen to use for signing it. It was one of my favorite pens because of its bright-colored and good quality orange ink. But it was a pen I hadn’t used in a long time.

As soon as I got to the cafe, I took out the card and pen so I could write before my friend arrived. Sadly, my long-unused but beloved orange pen wouldn’t write anymore. And my all-too-confident self didn’t bother to bring another pen, not a single one of my other pens that I was using on a regular basis. I had to borrow a pen from the cashier. Thankfully, I was able to write to my friend with all of my affection but without the bright and unique orangey-ness of my now-paralyzed pen.

More months went by. The business of everyday busyness camouflaged my self-doubt and made it easy to forget the choice I had made. But every now and then, in my quiet moments, I felt an empty space inside of me, like a part of me was missing. Every now and then, I was reminded of my dormant blog, of my writing paralysis. But I still didn’t have the answers to my questions. I couldn’t justify spending time and energy in what seemed to be a self-indulgent time-sucker.

On Jan 31st this year, almost a month ago, I stumbled upon the inspiring TED talk by psychologist Susan David entitled “The gift and power of emotional courage.”  In it, she shared the wise and powerful words by her eighth-grade teacher who taught her to write her emotions down in a notebook as a way to live with her grief:

Write what you’re feeling. Tell the truth. Write like nobody’s reading.

I was blown away. I had found a way to beat my writing paralysis, to conquer my self-doubt. I had to go back to telling my truth. I had to start believing again that my truth has value, even if it feels like that value is only for myself.

If I don’t want my writing to end up like my orange pen, paralyzed from lack of use, I must write. Write like nobody’s reading. Write because it’s what I do. Write because it fills my heart with love, my mind with wisdom and my soul with peace. Write with the hope that someday, someone somewhere in the world will read and be touched with a bit of love, wisdom and peace.

And for now, I am keeping my paralyzed orange pen in my drawer to remind me that when I decide to take a pause, I should make sure that it doesn’t lead to paralysis.