In September 2018, I marked a milestone in my parenting journey. I did the college drop-off for the first time as I went with my daughter to Toronto to help her settle into her new life. Months before, some of my friends were already asking me how I felt about it, if I was sad, excited, or anxious. I was feeling all of that and more but I didn’t want to admit it, didn’t want to get emotional. I also thought that if I let my daughter see how sad or anxious I was at the thought of her living so far away from me, I might add to her own grief or worries. So I chose to focus on the preparation, on the checklist of tasks to be done: budgets, flights, documents, clothing, medicines, school requirements, etc.
Two months after I left her in Toronto and came back home to Singapore, I had finally decompressed and recovered. I reflected and wrote down what I did right and what I could’ve done better. If you’re getting ready to say goodbye to your college-bound child, I’d like to share with you my personal tips for surviving the drop-off.
Enjoy yourself. I was fortunate to have two and a half weeks in Toronto to spend with my daughter, to help her settle in, and to play tourist. We arrived two days before her school orientation, five days before her move-in day at her student residence, and seven days before her first class. There were many errands to do and not a lot of free time, but we made sure to also explore and have fun since it was our first time in Toronto.
During those times when my daughter was in school for orientation and for classes and I had a few hours to myself, I spent them leisurely exploring downtown Toronto on foot. I had a leisurely breakfast at a nearby Tim Horton’s. I discovered the beautiful Gooderham Building and had a delicious take-out lunch at Berczy Park right behind it. I took in the lovely sights and smells of the famous St. Lawrence Market. On the days when my daughter and I had errands to do, we added in some simple treats: tried out various burger places like Wahlburgers, took photos at touristy Nathan Phillips Square, window shopped at the popular mall Eaton Centre. During one of our walks from errand to errand, we were so excited to stumble upon the real “Kim’s Convenience” store! On some of our more laidback days, we went around with our Torontonian friends and saw some beautiful sights like the boardwalk along The Beaches, the Scarborough Bluffs, a scenic marina (and had some yummy gelato!) in Oakville.
Admittedly, It was easy enough to add that vacation feel to this trip because my daughter was going to study college in a new city, in a new country so we were curious to see new places and experience new things. But whether you’re bringing your child overseas or to a neighboring city, what’s important is that you add some fun to the experience and make lots of good memories.
Express yourself. During the two weeks that I was with my daughter, I kept busy and I stayed positive because I didn’t want to get too emotional around her. I told myself that I was supposed to be her biggest cheerleader, especially during this huge transition in her life. And I was, all the way until I brought her to the bus stop to see her off one last time. I hugged her tight, told her I love her, and stood there till I could no longer see the bus that was taking her back to her dorm. Then I walked back to my host’s house, a bit numb from the wind and the moment, so I could get my bags ready for the hardest flight of my life so far.
I wish I had told my daughter, in whispers here and there, how much I was going to miss her. I wish I had written her a long letter while I was still there with her. I wish I had said to her face-to-face how proud I am of her for being so brave to move thousands of miles away and to study in a school and live in a city that she had never seen before, how proud I am of the confident, capable woman she is becoming, how much I love her and how often I will ask God to keep her safe and sound. Instead, I kept it all bottled up inside until I was waiting at the departure gate in Toronto Pearson, with phone in hand, texting her all of these things. If I had said these things to my daughter beforehand, I may have stood a slightly better chance of not ending up feeling like a weird woman sitting alone at the departure gate, composed one minute then in tears the next as she tried desperately yet unsuccessfully to hide behind untinted eyeglasses and too-short-hair.
Don’t do what I did. Don’t wait to say I love you, I’m proud of you, I’m going to miss you.
Embrace yourself. For some time, I was dreading the almost 24-hour solo trip home. It was going to be my first time taking a long haul flight on my own, and it was going to be under this semi-dramatic post-drop-off circumstance. So I boarded the flight well-armed: earphones to watch “The Greatest Showman” over and over and to listen to my favorite Spotify playlists, a hardbound copy of Leigh Bardugo’s “Ruin and Rising” to help me escape into one of my favorite fantasy worlds, No-Jet-Lag tablets, Trtl Pillow and sleep mask to help me sleep. Thankfully, these things did the trick for me and my journey home was uneventful (with the perk of briefly seeing family during a short stateside layover).
In the days and moments after I got home, I started to allow myself to feel everything, to stop beating myself up for crying at the airport, to accept my new normal as a wife and mother in a half-empty nest, a woman with a third of her heart living halfway across the world.
What did I learn from this experience? During such a significant and emotional time, we need to remember to be kind to ourselves, to give ourselves time to embrace the change, to make room for the unpleasant emotions. During a college drop-off, our parental instincts would probably make us focus 95% of our energy on our children, on helping them get off to a good start. But we mustn’t forget that vital 5% that we should keep for ourselves.
Last Updated on August 21, 2021 by lea