My eldest child has been away, attending college halfway across the world from me, for about six months now. We were together briefly during the Christmas holidays. When we had to part ways again after that, the second goodbye seemed easier, but the days and weeks that followed felt harder, lonelier. It was as if the distance was becoming wider and more tangible, the cutting of the apron strings slowly becoming more complete and palpable.
Like most, if not all, mothers, I am used to worrying a lot, not sleeping too soundly, and stressing out over things big and small. My fairly new journey as a college parent has taken these things up to a whole new level, and I find myself in uncharted waters.
TRUST AND SURRENDER
When my daughter was a young girl having her first sleepover with a dear family friend, I worried that she might not sleep well or that she would get homesick. When she was a teenager traveling internationally and alone for the first time, I worried that something might go wrong along the way. When she was old enough to go clubbing with friends, I slept fitfully on those nights out, checking my phone every hour until she was home safe and sound. Thankfully, she was fine on all of those times she was away from me.
Now, it’s a frozen, snowy winter in Toronto and I worry about how a tropical girl like her is coping. I worry sometimes that she might get sick and there’s no one to take care of her. I worry sometimes that she isn’t eating well and enough. I worry sometimes that the demands of schoolwork and of living on her own are too much.
So I ask her how she is doing, if she is warm enough, if her classes today went well, if she went out over the weekend. And I wait for her answers, her chat messages that I take not only as ‘proof of life’ but also and more so our way of keeping in touch, of continuing to be in each other’s lives even as we are an ocean apart. Sometimes her responses come quickly, and I’m glad and relieved. Other times, her responses take a few days, and when they do, I wait. I trust that she’s okay because I know that she’s a responsible and capable young woman. I trust that she can take good care of herself and that she will tell me the important stuff. I trust that God is in control and He is watching over her. So I worry, I let go and I let God.
TALK AND LISTEN (and Watch)
Of course, I’m sad when I think of what I’m missing as a consequence of letting my daughter study so far away. Luckily, with today’s technology, staying in touch through messages, photos and videos is easy. So we chat when we can. She sends me photos of her school projects and sometimes of cool sights around her city. I’m filled with pride when I get glimpses of the work she has done, the skills she is developing, and most importantly, the strong and independent young woman she’s becoming.
I tell her about movies that her dad, brother and I watch or new restaurants that we try out. I send her articles or illustrations that I think she would find either useful or funny. I update her about stuff going on with family and friends. Many times, I just say “Hi,” “Good night,” or “I love you,” with a smile, heart or waving hand emoji.
I also try to know more about her life there vicariously and virtually. I follow her college’s Twitter account. I monitor the weather daily through an app. I keep myself updated on news in and around Toronto. I rewatch scenes from Toronto-based TV sitcom “Kim’s Convenience” on Netflix (I highly recommend this show!) and episodes of “CBC Marketplace” on YouTube (eye-opening stuff). I try my best to stay connected with her and her city.
I DON’T WANT TO MISS A THING, BUT IT’S OK THAT I DO
I’m reminded of my song for her when my daughter was born (reading the lyrics and listening to the song today still brings me to tears). She was born a few years after the movie “Armageddon” came out, and I loved the movie’s theme song “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith. The lyrics say everything, and I’m sure many moms and dads would agree with me that they felt this way with their babies (especially the part about staying awake to make sure they’re still breathing).
[Verse 1]
I could stay awake just to hear you breathin’
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you’re far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure[Chorus]
Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
‘Cause I’d miss you, baby
And I don’t wanna miss a thing
‘Cause even when I dream of you (even when I dream)
The sweetest dream would never do
I’d still miss you, babe
And I don’t want to miss a thing[Verse 2]
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I’m wondering what you’re dreaming
Wonderin’ if it’s me you’re seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we’re together
And I just want to stay with you
In this moment forever
Forever and ever[Bridge]
I don’t want to miss one smile
I don’t want to miss one kiss
Well, I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
I feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
Yeah (yeah)
Yeah (yeah)
Yeah!
I still worry about my daughter. I still miss her very much and I know I’m missing out on the things going on in her life as a college student abroad. It’s sad but I’m ok with all of that. After all, they are part of the whole parenting journey, aren’t they? (Plus, I have a secret. I too was away from my family during my college years. Looking back to my own experience helps me to understand and respect my daughter’s own college journey and it makes me further appreciate what my own parents went through when I was on my journey. Thank you, Mom and Dad!)