Well-Being

A Grief Shared: Losing Friends to Suicide

Posted onAuthorlea

Trigger warning: This blog post talks about depression and suicide.

A Grief Shared

I wish that, when you approached me
in the kitchen last Tuesday
as I was washing the dishes,
it was to say that you
were going to meet your friends
at 5:30pm and not at 6.

Instead, you came up to me
in your usual quiet way
but with an unsteady voice
and eyes unsure where to look,
and you said that your friend 
died that morning.

I quickly put down the dishes,
turned to hug you and to say,
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,"
and my tears started to flow
while you briefly stood there
in shock and disbelief.

I wish that our plans for later that day
were for a quick dinner out
with Dad, maybe for some ramen,
and perhaps a look-around
at your favorite music store
where you'd try out a different guitar.

Instead, we made plans to meet
your other friends and their parents
to attend a Hindu funeral
where your friend lay among flowers
surrounded by tears and regrets
after he ended his unknowable pain.

I was forty years old
when I lost a friend to depression
while you, my child, are only fifteen
with a friend not much older
who battled a darkness
too much for him to bear.

-- written by Lea S. Jusi

This is a poem I wrote for my son and his friends, and for anyone who is in grief after a suicide and have become survivors of suicide loss.

In early 2021, my son’s friend died by suicide. From the moment my son told me, minutes after he learned about it from his other friends, our lives and the lives of many others, lives touched by this young man gone too soon, were changed forever.

When my son told me what happened, I was brought back to that moment in 2013 when I found out that my friend had died by suicide. It was a late night and I was getting ready for bed. I did a last check on my email and I saw it — the email from another friend informing me that, in case I hadn’t heard about it yet, our friend had just died. As if those words weren’t shocking enough, I read on and saw the words ‘took her own life.’ Can’t be, it can’t be true, it can’t be her, I thought to myself.

I remember searching for her name online, and seeing a news article about a woman with the same name that had died in a fire somewhere in the US. But it didn’t make sense because our friend didn’t live in the US, and the article said it happened some years ago. So I thought maybe my friend got confused or received wrong information. Perhaps it was that woman, that namesake of hers that had died, not our friend with whom we were chatting over lunch just two months ago while our children played nearby, not our friend who was smiling with us as we swapped mommy stories and exchanged parenting tips. It was heartbreaking to confirm later on, through messages with other mutual friends, that it really was our friend who had died by suicide.

That happened in 2013 and the grief has stayed with me, rising up to the surface especially during the anniversary of my friend’s death. It’s a grief I had wished no one else I know would ever have to carry, so it was a shock to witness my teenage son experience this complicated kind of loss and grief. How I wish no one else would become a survivor of suicide loss. One suicide is one too many, and the pain it leaves behind ripples deep and wide and stays for years and years.

I owe it to my son and his friends, to those dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts, and to the many survivors of suicide loss to say something, to open up and join the conversation on mental health, to help break the stigma on mental illness, and to advocate for more understanding and support. While it is far from easy, breaking the stigma around depression and other mental health disorders, around self-harm and suicide is a cause worth fighting for if we want a better future for our children.

If you are or anyone you know is struggling with mental health issues or possibly thinking about suicide, please reach out and get professional help. If you are a survivor of suicide loss, please know you’re not alone. Reach out to your friends, find community, share your grief and your stories in safe spaces. Here are a few resources:

Photo by Kat J on Unsplash

Last Updated on November 18, 2023 by lea

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